Welcome, Tarnished, to our final digest of the year! As everyone else rushes to complete their holiday shopping and year-end tasks, we’ve been busy putting together the last roundup of 2024’s content.
We’ve gathered some of the most intriguing, entertaining and occasionally unhinged articles that graced our feeds. From deep dives into combat mechanics to holiday fashion tips (yes, really), December brought us quite the eclectic mix of Elden Ring content.
This month, we learned why your attacks sometimes hit like a wet noodle (Motion Values!), discovered why the Nomad Ashes might be the most hilariously useless spirit summon ever created, and got hyped about Elden Ring Nightreign’s roguelike spin on our beloved formula. We also picked up some essential survival tips for both new players AND holiday family gatherings (turns out dodge-rolling works in both scenarios), explored how AI might make future bosses even more sadistic than Malenia, and uncovered some genuinely useful hidden treasures that you’ve probably been ignoring in your inventory.
So grab your Flasks, pull up a chair by the Site of Grace, and join us as we look back at December’s highlights. Just watch out for any suspiciously festive invaders dropping “presents” – we can’t guarantee they’re actually gifts!
Let’s dive into this month’s stories…
Motion Values in Elden Ring: The Hidden Dance of Damage
Ever stood there wondering why your massive Colossal Sword sometimes hits like a falling feather and other times sends enemies to meet their ancestors? This month’s deep dive into Motion Values (MVs) finally explains why! Turns out there’s a sneaky little multiplier secretly affecting every swing we take in the Lands Between.
The article breaks down how these mysterious MVs are basically the game’s way of saying “this attack should hurt… like, a lot” or “maybe just a gentle tap this time.” Most regular attacks sit around that cozy 1.0x multiplier, but those charged heavy attacks? They’re packing up to 1.6x or more! No wonder my Giant-Crusher’s charged R2 sends trolls flying like they’re late for their flight.
Best tidbit? That supposedly “weak” dagger you’ve been ignoring might actually be a boss-melting machine thanks to some spicy MV values on critical hits. Looking at you, Misericorde! And for all you Malenia challengers out there (yes, we’re still struggling), those rolling attacks and charged R2s you’ve been avoiding? They’re actually your ticket to stance-breaking glory.
TL;DR: FromSoft has basically hidden a whole combat rhythm game inside our Action RPG, and we’ve been button-mashing like cavemen this whole time. Time to stop R1 spamming that Colossal Sword and embrace the charged R2 life!
The Mostly Reliable Guide: Nomad Ashes – Really?
Oh boy, this month brought us a hilariously savage review of everyone’s least favorite spirit summon! Tucked away in the sewers of Leyndell (already a red flag) lies what might be the most entertainingly useless 61 FP you’ll ever spend.
The article absolutely roasts the Nomad Ashes with the kind of passion usually reserved for invaders who point down after winning. Picture this: a spirit that moves like it’s perpetually questioning its life choices, has the durability of a soap bubble, and specializes in inflicting madness on enemies who couldn’t care less about existential crises.
The highlight? The rating system that awarded it a solid 3/10 on the “Well, At Least They’re Trying” scale. Though personally, I think they were being generous with that “2/10” for durability – I’ve seen wet tissue paper last longer in a boss fight.
Best quote: “The Guide accepts no responsibility for any FP wasted in the process of discovering why this particular spirit was entombed in the first place.” Ouch.
TL;DR: Unless you’re conducting a scientific study on how quickly a spirit summon can disappear or you really, really want to make your enemies question their sanity (with mixed results), maybe leave this one in the sewers where you found it.
P.S. The Committee for Spirit Summon Quality Control is still accepting strongly worded letters of complaint. 😂
Your Holiday Family Gatherings Survival Guide Is Here
This month brought us the crossover guide we never knew we needed – applying Elden Ring boss-fighting strategies to surviving holiday family gatherings! Because let’s face it, dodging Aunt Karen’s questions about your love life requires more skill than avoiding Malenia’s Waterfowl Dance.
The article brilliantly maps out how to approach family gatherings like a true Tarnished: Come prepared (your conversation flask better be fully upgraded), manage your stamina (strategic kitchen breaks are your friend), and master the art of dodging those dreaded personal questions like they’re boss attacks.
My favorite part? The suggestion to use the “Homeward Bone” strategy – aka the classic “Oh no, I left the stove on!” escape route. Though personally, I think claiming you need to go help Melina with something urgent might raise fewer eyebrows.
The guide even throws in some solid anti-pyramid scheme defense strategies, which might be more useful than any shield against your MLM-obsessed cousin.
TL;DR: If you can beat Malenia (or at least attempt to 147 times), you can handle a few hours of family festivities. Just remember to level up your small talk stats and keep your dodge-roll timing sharp!
Elden Ring Nightreign: A New Adventure Awaits!
Well, well, well… looks like the Lands Between is getting a spicy new spin-off! This month dropped the bombshell announcement of Elden Ring Nightreign, a co-op roguelike that’s basically “what if Elden Ring had a baby with battle royale mechanics, but make it make sense.”
The game’s putting a wild twist on our beloved formula: three-day cycles lasting 15 minutes each, a shrinking map (because apparently Malenia wasn’t stressful enough), and eight different heroes to choose from. Plus, they’re adding wall-climbing! Finally, a way to reach those messages that say “try jumping” without actually jumping to our doom.
Speaking of doom, you can tackle this beast solo or team up in groups of three – because misery loves company, right? The network test is dropping in February 2025, and naturally, the community’s reactions are exactly what you’d expect: half are ready to praise the sun, while the other half are preparing their “THIS IS NOT DARK SOULS” speeches.
TL;DR: FromSoft said “What if we took Elden Ring, added roguelike elements, made it co-op focused, and threw in some parkour for good measure?” And honestly? We’re kind of here for it.
P.S. Start practicing your “Try finger, but hole” messages in teams of three now! 🎮
Top 10 Essential Tips for New Elden Ring Players
This month brought us a refreshingly straightforward guide for all you fresh-faced Tarnished stumbling into the Lands Between! And boy, does it nail the essentials without getting too “git gud” about it.
The article lays out ten golden rules that might just keep you from becoming another bloodstain in Limgrave. Highlights include the gentle reminder that yes, you’re going to die (a lot), and no, that suspicious-looking tree probably isn’t just a tree – go check it out!
Keep in mind, that the often-overlooked “Vigor is not optional” rule still stands. Sorry, but your fancy Intelligence build won’t matter much when a basic soldier decides to one-shot you back to the First Step. And that equipment load breakdown? chef’s kiss Because nobody wants to be that person fat-rolling their way through Stormveil Castle.
Best tip? “Reading is fundamental, Tarnished!” Because apparently, that “useless” trinket you’ve been carrying might actually hold the secret to why that NPC suddenly wants to murder you.
TL;DR: Dying is learning, vigor is your friend, and for the love of Marika, please read your item descriptions. Also, pants are optional, but rolling speed is not!
How AI Will Transform Gaming As We Know It
This month brought us a fascinating deep dive into how AI might turn your favorite games into something that makes Malenia look like a tutorial boss! The article perfectly balances tech enthusiasm with a healthy dose of “wait, but what about my beloved hand-crafted torture chambers?”
Turns out, current game AI is basically just a really fancy if/then statement in a trench coat – even our girl Malenia is just following a sophisticated dance routine. But the future? Imagine bosses that actually learn from your 47th death, NPCs that remember that time you called them “maidenless” (and hold grudges), and debugging systems that can spot cheese strategies faster than a YouTuber.
The spiciest take? AI might make game development accessible to smaller studios who can’t afford Miyazaki’s “add another prosthetic limb” budget. Though as the article wisely notes, no algorithm could ever dream up something as beautifully deranged as the Lands Between.
TL;DR: The gaming future is coming faster than a Torrent gallop, and it might be smarter than you. Time to level up that adaptability stat!
P.S. To all the NPCs still walking into walls – your AI upgrade is coming. Maybe. 🎮
How to Bring the Holiday Spirit to Elden Ring 🎄✨
Ho ho ho! This month brought us the most delightfully unhinged holiday guide yet – how to bring Christmas cheer to a world that actively wants to murder you! Because nothing says “season of giving” quite like dropping Rainbow Stones around Sites of Grace and invading other players’ worlds dressed as Santa.
The article serves up some gloriously festive fashion tips, from turning your Great Club into Santa’s toy sack to becoming the world’s deadliest Elf on the Shelf. Plus, there’s something deeply amusing about using the Consecrated Snowfield as your winter wonderland – sure, it’s full of murderous enemies, but at least you’ve got the aesthetic down!
Our favorite suggestion? The “Santa Claus Challenge Run” where you can only use blunt weapons to “deliver presents” (read: bonk people on the head with a club). Though the “Grinch” invasion strategy is a close second – nothing spreads holiday cheer quite like ruining someone else’s day!
TL;DR: Even in a world of eternal suffering, you can still deck the halls with Rainbow Stones and turn the Erdtree into the world’s largest Christmas tree. Just watch out for those Tree Sentinel “reindeer”!
P.S. If you see an invader in a red suit dropping “presents,” maybe don’t trust them right away… 🎅
Learn About 20 Underrated Items in Elden Ring Now
We also got a treasure hunter’s guide to all those items you’ve probably been ignoring in your inventory! Because let’s face it, we all have that one corner of our storage chest filled with “maybe I’ll use this someday” items.
The article drops knowledge on 20 overlooked gems, from the Dragonscale Blade (frost AND lightning? Yes please!) to those Crystal Darts that can apparently mind-control certain enemies. Plus, there’s a whole section on Rune Arc farming that doesn’t involve getting destroyed in PvP – turns out those Giant Rats have been holding out on us!
Most surprising find? The Fire Knight Helm is basically a mini Erdtree’s Favor talisman for your head. And those Volcano Pots? They’re not just for cooking – they can turn any boss fight into a spicy BBQ session.
TL;DR: Stop hoarding those “might be useful later” items in your inventory – some of them are actually game-changers! And if you need Rune Arcs, go hunt some rats (just don’t tell them I sent you).
P.S. To everyone who’s been sleeping on Sleep Pots – the Godskin Duo would like a word with you. 😴
Closing Thoughts: Farewell 2024!
Well, Tarnished, that’s a wrap on our December digest and 2024! From discovering why our weapons sometimes hit like wet noodles to turning the apocalypse into a winter wonderland, it’s been quite the month in the Lands Between.
Who knew we’d end the year learning how to dress up as Santa while invading other players’ worlds? Or that those random items we’ve been hoarding might actually be useful (except you, Nomad Ashes, you can stay in the sewers where we found you).
Here’s to another year of dying repeatedly, questionable fashion choices, and trying to figure out if that invader in a red suit is bringing presents or pain. Probably pain.
Stay maidenless and merry, fellow Tarnished! May your rolls be swift and your parries be perfect.
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