Welcome once again to the ever-expanding compendium of dubious combat assistance that is the Lands Between. In a world where reanimating the dead is considered a perfectly reasonable hobby and summoning otherworldly entities is just Tuesday.
Even the most seasoned Tarnished occasionally finds themselves wondering: “Of all the spectral allies available, which will provide the optimal balance of hilarity and marginally useful assistance before their inevitable demise?”
The Mostly Reliable Guide to Questionable Spirit Summons
Where We Answer Questions You Were Afraid to Ask, For Good Reason.
Entry 3,141,593 in the Lands Between Edition: Miranda Sprout Ashes
It is a well-established fact throughout the Lands Between that gardening and mortal combat rarely intersect, except in the curious case of the Miranda Sprout Ashes. These peculiar spirit summons answer the question absolutely no one was asking: “What if we could weaponize garden pests?”
The spell requires a surprisingly reasonable 25 FP to cast, a number that the Committee for Botanically Improbable Combat Solutions seems to have arrived at by counting the petals on a particularly vexing daisy. This relatively modest FP investment grants you the dubious privilege of summoning what can only be described as “angry flowers with anger management issues.”
What makes the Miranda Sprout Ashes stand apart from other summons is their unique approach to combat, which primarily involves standing very still (an admittedly plant-like behavior) before suddenly erupting in a display that garden enthusiasts might charitably describe as “aggressive pollination.” They come equipped with the ability to spray a purple mist that is, according to several thoroughly confused alchemists, “definitely not something you’d want to use as cologne.”
DON’T PANIC if you notice your Miranda Sprouts occasionally trembling in what appears to be botanical rage. This is not them malfunctioning but rather gathering what limited intelligence they possess to decide which enemy deserves a face full of purple halitosis.
Pros:
- Surprisingly effective at covering a wide area with their noxious spray
- Enemies often pause in genuine confusion before attacking them
- Excellent for Tarnished with allergies who wish to assert dominance over nature
- Makes an excellent “first date” conversation piece, though this may explain the shortage of second dates among Tarnished
Cons:
- Combat effectiveness somewhere between “mildly annoyed houseplant” and “carnivorous vegetation with low standards”
- Movement speed suggests they’re perpetually swimming through invisible molasses
- Tendency to attack after the battle has already moved to another postal code
- May cause serious questioning of life choices in more horticulturally-minded players
The Guide would like to note that while Miranda Sprout Ashes are technically classified as “combat summons,” this is much like classifying a particularly angry lawn ornament as “home security equipment.” They do, however, excel at creating the sort of bewilderment that can only come from watching sentient plants attempt what appears to be botanical warfare on a budget.
Usage Tips:
- Best deployed when you need to convince an enemy they’ve accidentally wandered into an exceptionally violent garden center
- Particularly effective against enemies with a deep-seated fear of aggressive flora
- Consider them less as reliable allies and more as a moving conversation piece about the dangers of experimental gardening
Rating: 5.9 out of 10 on the “At Least They’re Not Technically Weeds” scale
Note: The Guide accepts no responsibility for any psychological damage sustained from watching these botanical warriors struggle with the concept of locomotion, nor for any resulting existential crises about the nature of plant consciousness.
Cross-reference: See “Why Botanical Combat Should Remain Theoretical” (Entry 1,414,213) and “Plants vs. Zombies vs. Sanity: A Tarnished’s Guide” (Entry 2,236,067).
… and by the way: we’re also having other Guides & Tips you may want to check out.
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