In the continuing saga of “Things That Probably Shouldn’t Fight But Do Anyway,” the discerning Tarnished often finds themselves staring at their collection of spirit ashes and wondering, “At what point did someone look at a squishy, tube-shaped mollusk and think ‘combat potential’?”
The Mostly Reliable Guide to Questionable Spirit Summons
A Semi-Regular Column About Mostly Irregular Combat Choices
Entry 8,675,309 in the Lands Between Edition: Land Squirt Ashes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a Tarnished in possession of FP must be in want of a summon that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Enter the Land Squirt Ashes, which answer the eternal question: “What if we took something with all the intimidation factor of a wet sock and sent it into mortal combat?”
These peculiar spirit ashes cost a surprisingly specific 18 FP to summon, a number that appears to have been determined by the Committee for Unnecessarily Precise Spirit Expenditure during what one can only assume was a particularly uninspired Tuesday afternoon meeting. For this modest investment, you receive not one, not two, but a trio of what are essentially animated water balloons with attitude problems.
The Land Squirts themselves resemble nothing so much as what might happen if a sea cucumber developed delusions of grandeur and decided to take up arms against creatures several thousand times its size. They are, for all intents and purposes, gelatinous tubes with a peculiar penchant for spitting poison—a combat strategy that ranks somewhere between “strongly worded letter” and “meaningful glare” on the effectiveness scale.
DON’T PANIC if you summon your Land Squirts only to watch them immediately waddle off in three different directions like inebriated tourists who’ve lost their tour guide. This is entirely normal behavior and should be considered less of a bug and more of a feature that nobody actually wanted.
Combat Mechanics, or “How to Fight When You’re Essentially Animated Jelly”
The Land Squirts’ primary method of attack involves expelling a toxic mist that, while technically poisonous, is about as threatening as being slapped with a damp towel. The poison build-up occurs at roughly the same pace as continental drift, giving your enemies ample time to contemplate the peculiar life choices that led them to being slowly, very slowly, mildly inconvenienced by ambulatory tubes.
Their secondary method of attack—if one can dignify it with such a term—involves what can only be described as an enthusiastic body slam, which has approximately the same impact as throwing a wet sponge at a brick wall. What they lack in damage, however, they make up for in sheer bewildering persistence, continuing to attack with the sort of optimism usually reserved for people who think they can complete Elden Ring without dying.
Pros, Cons, Usage Tips & Conclusion
Pros:
- There are three of them, providing triple the disappointment
- Poison effect occasionally registers before the heat death of the universe
- Small size makes them moderately difficult to hit (their only actual advantage)
- Provide excellent comedy value when they all decide to attack different enemies
- Make Tibia’s Summons look positively competent by comparison
Cons:
- Damage output comparable to harsh language
- Movement speed suggests they’re perpetually swimming through treacle
- Durability reminiscent of a chocolate teacup in a sauna
- Will inevitably separate and be destroyed individually, like protagonists in a horror film
- May cause existential crisis when you realize you’re relying on toxic slugs for protection
The Guide would like to note that while Land Squirts are technically classified as “combat summons,” this is akin to classifying a feather as “heavy artillery.” They do, however, excel at creating the sort of confusion that can only come from watching three gelatinous tubes attempt to poison something several hundred times their size with what appears to be the equivalent of a very mild case of indigestion.
Usage Tips:
- Best deployed when you need to convince an enemy they’re hallucinating
- Particularly effective against foes with severe molluscophobia (fear of mollusks)
- Can be used to make even the weakest player feel like a combat god by comparison
- Excellent for those moments when you absolutely must have poison damage, but would prefer it be applied so slowly that your grandchildren might see the effects
Rating: 3.7 out of 10 on the “Well, At Least They’re Trying” scale
Rating: 9.8 out of 10 on the “Did They Actually Hit Something Or Was That An Accident?” frequency counter
After extensive field testing involving 147 Land Squirt deployments across the Lands Between, our research team observed a total of 23 successful hits, of which 21 appeared to be entirely accidental. In one particularly notable instance, a Land Squirt managed to poison a Godrick Soldier only because said soldier tripped over it while attempting to attack the Tarnished. The remaining two hits were attributed to what our researchers could only describe as “statistical inevitability” rather than any discernible combat skill.
Note: The Guide accepts no responsibility for any psychological damage sustained from placing your combat survival in the pseudopods of what are essentially animated water balloons.
Cross-reference: See “Why Spirit Ash Designers Clearly Ran Out of Ideas” (Entry 4,815,162) and “Combat Invertebrates: When All Other Options Are Literally Unavailable” (Entry 3,141,592).
… and by the way: we’re also having other Guides & Tips you may want to check out .
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