In the endlessly bewildering realm of the Lands Between, where the line between brilliant tactical decision and complete catastrophe is thinner than a Cleanrot Knight’s patience, many Tarnished find themselves faced with the age-old conundrum:
“Should I summon something that might actually help, or should I embrace the chaos and call forth whatever questionable creation the universe has decided to inflict upon me this time?”
The Mostly Reliable Guide to Questionable Spirit Summons
(A Semi-Regular Column About Mostly Irregular Combat Choices)
For those joining us mid-series, spirit summons remain a legitimate combat mechanic despite persistent rumors that they’re an elaborate psychological experiment designed to test the limits of human patience. Today’s installment ventures into the wonderfully bewildering world of amphibious combat assistance.
Entry 2,718,281 in the Lands Between Edition: Claymen Ashes
It is a universally acknowledged truth that any Tarnished in possession of a functioning Spirit Calling Bell must be in want of increasingly questionable combat companions. The Claymen Ashes fulfill this need in the same way that shouting at clouds fulfills one’s need for weather control – technically an attempt, but with results that leave much to be desired.
The Guide would like to note that summoning these particular spirits requires 77 FP, a number that appears to have been calculated by the Committee for Moderately Expensive Disappointment during their lunch break. This cost summons not one, but two clay warriors who possess all the grace and coordination of caffeinated penguins attempting synchronized swimming.
Physical Characteristics and Combat Philosophy
The Claymen approach warfare with the unique philosophy that if you’re going to fail spectacularly at combat, you might as well do it while looking like ancient priests who’ve been weathered by eons of disappointment. These bubble-wielding warriors are essentially what you’d get if someone looked at a monastery and thought, “Yes, but what if the monks were made of clay and specialized in the ancient art of aggressive soap-making?”
DON’T PANIC if you notice your Claymen spending most of their time moving with all the urgency of continental drift. This is not a glitch but rather their natural state of being, much like how bureaucrats naturally gravitate toward inefficiency. Their “bowed with age” posture suggests they’ve been carrying the weight of their own inadequacy for centuries.
Combat Effectiveness Assessment
The Claymen’s primary combat strategy appears to involve launching mystical bubbles with all the tactical sophistication of a toddler with a bottle of soap solution. They possess the remarkable ability to make magic look mundane, casting “Oracle Bubbles” and “Great Oracular Bubble” spells that travel through the air with all the menace of particularly aggressive bath foam.
Their ranged attacks consist of launching what can only be described as “weaponized dishwater,” which travels through the air with all the accuracy of a weather forecast and roughly the same devastating impact. The Guide notes that watching these ancient sorcerers attempt combat is rather like watching someone try to conduct a symphony orchestra using only soap bubbles as instruments.
Pros, Cons, Usage Tips & Conclusion
Pros:
- There are two of them, doubling your chances of witnessing spectacular failure
- Excellent at creating slip-and-slide conditions for enemies unused to amphibious combat
- Provide comic relief during otherwise serious boss encounters
- Make you appreciate the relative competence of literally any other summon
Cons:
- Combat effectiveness rated somewhere between “soggy newspaper” and “strongly worded letter”
- Movement patterns suggest they’re perpetually trying to return to a pond that doesn’t exist
- High FP cost for what essentially amounts to animated lawn ornaments
- May cause viewers to question the fundamental nature of combat itself
Usage Tips:
- Best deployed when you need to convince enemies that they’ve accidentally wandered into an avant-garde performance about the futility of existence
- Particularly effective against foes with an irrational fear of poorly coordinated aquatic displays
- Can be used to make other players feel better about their own questionable tactical decisions
- Ideal for those moments when you want to demonstrate that even clay can have commitment issues
Rating: 4.2 out of 10 on the “At Least They’re Enthusiastic” scale
The Guide concludes that Claymen Ashes occupy a unique position in the combat hierarchy, sitting comfortably between “complete disaster” and “interesting conversation starter.” Whether they’re worth the significant FP investment depends largely on your tolerance for watching two clay warriors attempt to navigate the complex world of three-dimensional movement while occasionally remembering they’re supposed to be fighting something.
Note: The Guide accepts no responsibility for any existential crises, pottery-related nightmares, or sudden urges to take up sculpting that may occur while using this summon.
Cross-reference: See “When Amphibians Attack: A Study in Misguided Aquatic Warfare” (Entry 1,732,050) and “The Economics of Overpriced Disappointment” (Entry 3,141,592).
…and by the way: we’re also having other Guides & Tips you may want to check out.
Leave a Reply